trying to follow

Monday, September 26

and what am i supposed to be learning?

as you can probably tell from the title, today's blog is rather negative. my feelings toward my campus ministry have been pretty low for the past 3 years or so. that's how long i've been involved. the primary reason i got involved to begin with the ministry was because i knew the campus minister and felt obligated to participate in the ministry and have felt so ever since. i am constantly discouraged. tonight, however, is the low water mark. i drove to chapel hill for Bible study, and there were only two of us, myself and my co-leader. this was the second week in a row. i have expected it. i wasted an hour of my life. i talked to God on the way over there, half expecting a repeat of last week (an easy solution to my problem for any nay-sayers: my lack of faith). the main subject of the conversation, what i really drove at, was "what am i to learn from this?"

am i doing something wrong? are You trying to show me? i feel like i've been doing it wrong for my whole Christian life. i'm tired of failing. perhaps i'm to become involved in another Bible study (not in our campus ministry, of course) and so glorify God? if i'm ever a part of a large, "successful" congregation/ministry, i'll sure not take it for granted. i feel like the Gospel's not working through me. this casts doubt, not on my faith in God, but on my faith in myself. i feel like i'm a tool that God's not really using. do i move myself elsewhere? do i have everything wrong? i'm convinced that i don't because God has changed me nonetheless. of this i am sure.

i don't blame people for not wanting to be a part of our ministry. i'm not excited about it either.

despite all this negativity, this incessant pessimism, i am grateful what has been provided to me through this ministry. i denigrate it. i complain. and i'm not convinced that i've gotten that much out of it. nevertheless, i am grateful that i am where i am. i have grown in Christ while in college. of course, there were sources of growth other than my campus ministry, but it has no doubt contributed. i would that i could see it contribute to others' growth.


At 10:25 PM, Blogger serenitynow said...

i often feel the same way, like everything i touch ministry related turns to poo, the opposite of the midas touch

it's certainly not that bad, but sometimes it doesn't feel far off, and i'm afraid the two of us aren't alone

somewhere stuff is working, i'm just not there

what are we doing wrong? or not doing at all?


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