progress report

i suppose you could argue as to whether or not this is a progress report. i'm 21 years into this life, 9 years into the Christian life, about a year into the real growing/searching/contemplating stage. so i suppose in these respects, this could be a progress report. however, there is no clear beginning for this evaluation. maybe, then, it's just that. however, if i were to now change the title, this paragraph would be obsolete. and i can't have that. i'm thinking it's like a pre-test. let's find out what i know.

i'm excited about the possibility of finding some answers and then reading this one again.

i'm trying to get past all the "if only"s. i listened to phil's sermon last night: "seeing is not always believing." wow. good confusion points, phil. i tell myself i'd be more capable of making sense of things if only my circumstances were different. i question my business in the youth ministry. don't get me wrong; i'm not, pardon the expression, selling a product i don't believe in. i am convinced. as paul wrote, "i know whom i have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what i have entrusted to him for that day." my struggle is what this Christianity business means for my life. and, concerning the youth ministry, i feel like i'm inadequate to answer questions posed by my kids sometimes. their situations seem so much more difficult than my own. furthermore, i feel like i haven't sufficiently conquered some of the problems they're dealing with. what good am i?

anyway. i'm seeing things more clearly. but i'm not really growing, i don't think. that is i'm not "being spiritual." i'm reading the Bible. and praying, a little bit. i get distracted. [i like to think that God's reading this. in that sense, i am praying to You. i don't know why i treat You this way. You deserve so much more. i'm asking; i'm seeking; i'm knocking. let me live as You would have me. life is a waste if i'm not living it in the abundance of which Your Son spoke.]

i almost wish no one stumbles upon this. or at least, they don't let me know. i would like it to be a prayer journal. God reads my blog. yeah. maybe You have other plans. that's cool. i trust You.

so lately i've been longing for assurance from others. i've got a God who loves me, a fiancée who loves me, parents and two brothers who love me. but that is not enough. i long for praise. that's it. my vanity cripples me. my desire for others' approval is cumbersome. i suppose You can take that. i guess i have to give it to You, don't i? help me be satisfied.

i'm also overwhelmed by the accomplishments and abilities of others and disappointed by my lack of both. however, i do feel happy for theirs. there is no jealousy going on. i would say no envy either. just a little bit of self-disappointment. ortberg handles this topic really well in the beginning of the life you've always wanted. i've read it. but head and heart are two different departments.

well, i better leave more to be said.